hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
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