Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's never too late to be topless.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
