Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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