if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Randomize
