Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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