you have to choose: penises or morals?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Congratulations! We have a period
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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