tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Who died my cat blue again?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
