Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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