don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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