I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
