I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
