My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I have post one night stand depression
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