Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
