Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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