note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
