I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
