I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
