just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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