Me. At least after what I've been through.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
