When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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