Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
