I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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