Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i think i just naturally attract stoners
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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