i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
