I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
