I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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