so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
