Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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