I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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