I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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