I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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