Well apparently he's into motor boating.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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