I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
