Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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