I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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