he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
