I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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