You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
