..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I have feelings that need drinking.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize