Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
