I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
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at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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