so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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