im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
