Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You are the jesus of drinking
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
