u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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