glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
