Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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