Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
