I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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