You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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