You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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