Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
