My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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