i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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