I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
