i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
