New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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