3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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