i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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